EN.MUHAMMADIYAH.OR.ID, YOGYAKARTA — The relationship between a spouse and their in-laws often becomes one of the most delicate dynamics in married life. Differences in perspectives, communication styles, and generational backgrounds can easily lead to misunderstandings.
However, Islam offers clear guidance for maintaining these relationships through mutual respect, constructive communication, and a commitment to reconciliation.
These insights were shared by Dewi Eko Wati, a member of the Tabligh and Tarjih Council of the Central Executive Board of ‘Aisyiyah, during the Indahnya Cahaya Islam program hosted by Adib Sofia on Monday (6/7).
According to Dewi, the relationship between son- or daughter-in-law and their in-laws is unique because it is not established by blood by the marriage tie that unites two families. That bond creates rights and responsibilities for everyone involved.
“This relationship is unique because new people enter our lives. They are not our biological parents, yet they become family through the strong bond of marriage. From that relationship arise rights and responsibilities that each party must fulfill,” she said.
She explained that many tensions between in-laws and their children’s spouses begin with seemingly minor issues. However, problems that could be resolved through dialogue sometimes escalate because neither side finds common ground.
Generational differences, she added, also present significant challenges. As an example, Dewi noted that the baby boomer generation often views motivation differently from younger generations.
“Every generation is shaped by its own culture and era. This difference influences how people think. Therefore, the way we motivate today’s generation is naturally different from previous generations,” she explained.
These differences often become apparent in child-rearing, particularly when grandparents help raise grandchildren or when a married couple lives with the husband’s or wife’s parents. Without healthy communication, such circumstances can easily create conflict.
Respect, Reconciliation, and Open Communication
From an Islamic perspective, Dewi emphasized that relationships between in-laws and their children’s spouses should be grounded in the principle of birr al-walidayn—showing kindness and respect to parents. Although a spouse’s parents are not biological parents, they still deserve honor and courtesy.
“Regardless, a husband’s parents or a wife’s parents deserve our respect. If disagreements arise, express them politely and compassionately. For example, ask permission first, acknowledge their position, then explain the parenting approach you and your spouse have chosen while keeping the door open for dialogue,” she said.
Beyond honoring parents, Dewi stressed the importance of islah, or reconciliation, whenever disagreements occur. She encouraged both couples and parents-in-law to practice husn al-zann (positive assumptions) because parents generally desire what is best for their children and families.
“If someone’s words sound hurtful, their intentions may actually be good; perhaps only the way they expressed them was less appropriate. That is why we should think positively and try to understand one another’s background,” she said.
Dewi also highlighted the crucial role of husbands and wives as mediators between their spouses and their parents. Rather than taking sides blindly, they should serve as bridges that foster healthy communication.
“A husband should be able to mediate between his wife and his mother. Likewise, a wife should do the same if the couple lives with her family. Don’t worsen the situation by speaking negatively about your spouse to your parents or vice versa. Instead, highlight each person’s positive qualities so the family atmosphere remains harmonious,” she said.
Building Sakinah Family Remains Priority
If conflicts persist despite sincere efforts, Dewi believes family consultation should remain the first course of action. Nevertheless, if living under one roof creates greater harm than benefit, couples may consider establishing a separate household while continuing to honor their parents.
“There is nothing wrong with deciding to live separately—or at least maintain separate kitchens if that proves to be the best solution. What matters is communicating the decision respectfully and continuing to honor one’s parents,” she said.
Dewi concluded by emphasizing that building a sakinah (peaceful) family remains the primary responsibility of husband and wife. Preserving marital harmony should always go hand in hand with showing respect to both sets of parents.
She also underscored the importance of preparation before marriage. Many young couples, she observed, fail to realize that marriage unites not only two individuals but also two families.
For that reason, she encouraged prospective spouses to become familiar with each other’s family culture and character before marriage. Such understanding helps both sides navigate differences more gracefully after the wedding.
“Ta’aruf is not only about getting to know your future spouse; it is also about getting to know their family. Marriage is the union of two families,” she said.
Finally, Dewi urged couples to establish shared commitments before marriage, including maintaining open communication, avoiding mutual blame when problems arise, and working together to preserve family unity in pursuit of a household characterized by sakinah, mawaddah, and rahmah—tranquility, love, and mercy.
