Marriage in Islam is intended to establish a family founded on tranquility, compassion, and shared responsibility. For that reason, Islam also provides guidance for the process leading to marriage.
One of those stages is ta’aruf, a period during which a man and woman get to know one another before deciding whether to pursue marriage.
According to the Muhammadiyah Central Board’s Council for Religious and Reform, ta’aruf is permissible as long as it remains within the boundaries of Islamic law. Rather than encouraging an unrestricted romantic relationship, ta’aruf serves as a structured process through which prospective spouses learn about each other’s character, family background, education, cultural values, and, above all, religious commitment. As a result, the decision to marry rests not on fleeting emotions, but on careful and informed consideration.
The foundation for ta’aruf is found in Allah’s words:
يَا أَيُّهَا النَّاسُ إِنَّا خَلَقْنَاكُمْ مِنْ ذَكَرٍ وَأُنْثَىٰ وَجَعَلْنَاكُمْ شُعُوبًا وَقَبَائِلَ لِتَعَارَفُوا ۚ إِنَّ أَكْرَمَكُمْ عِنْدَ اللَّهِ أَتْقَاكُمْ ۚ إِنَّ اللَّهَ عَلِيمٌ خَبِيرٌ
“O mankind, We created you from a male and a female and made you into peoples and tribes so that you may know one another. Indeed, the most honored of you in the sight of Allah is the most righteous among you. Surely Allah is All-Knowing, All-Aware.” (QS. Al-Ḥujurāt [49]: 13).
The council explains that the phrase lita’ārafū encourages people to become acquainted with one another. In the context of marriage, it refers to learning about a prospective spouse’s personality, family, and values. Islam does not prescribe a specific duration for ta’aruf. Instead, once both parties believe they are compatible, they may proceed to khitbah, or the formal proposal. Conversely, if compatibility is not established, the process should end respectfully.
Choosing a Spouse Based on Faith
One of the primary objectives of ta’aruf is to choose a spouse according to sound islamic principles. While Islam acknowledges that people may be attracted to wealth, lineage, or physical appearance, it teaches that religious character should remain the foremost consideration.
The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said:
تُنْكَحُ الْمَرْأَةُ لِأَرْبَعٍ: لِمَالِهَا، وَلِحَسَبِهَا، وَلِجَمَالِهَا، وَلِدِينِهَا، فَاظْفَرْ بِذَاتِ الدِّينِ تَرِبَتْ يَدَاكَ
“A woman is married for four reasons: her wealth, her lineage, her beauty, and her religion. Choose the one with religion, and you will prosper.” (Sunan al-Bukhari)z
Another narration likewise cautions Muslims against making beauty or wealth their primary criterion when choosing a spouse.
لَا تَزَوَّجُوا النِّسَاءَ لِحُسْنِهِنَّ فَعَسَى حُسْنُهُنَّ أَنْ يُرْدِيَهُنَّ، وَلَا تَزَوَّجُوهُنَّ لِأَمْوَالِهِنَّ فَعَسَى أَمْوَالُهُنَّ أَنْ تُطْغِيَهُنَّ، وَلَأَمَةٌ ذَاتُ دِينٍ أَفْضَلُ
“Do not marry women solely for their beauty, for their beauty may become their downfall. Do not marry them solely for their wealth, for their wealth may lead them to arrogance. A woman of religious commitment is better.” (Sunan Ibn Majah)
Through ta’aruf, prospective husbands and wives have the opportunity to assess one another’s character before making a life-changing commitment.
After this stage comes khitbah, the formal engagement. Although both parties have agreed in principle to marry, they still do not possess the rights and responsibilities of husband and wife. Therefore, their interactions must continue to observe Islamic guidelines.
Three Ethical Principles of Ta’aruf
The Council for Tarjih and Tajdid identifies three key ethical principles that should guide the ta’aruf process.
First, both individuals must guard themselves against crossing the limits established by Islamic law, whether in speech or behavior. This principle reflects Allah’s command:
وَلَا تَقْرَبُوا الزِّنَىٰ ۖ إِنَّهُ كَانَ فَاحِشَةً وَسَاءَ سَبِيلًا
“Do not come near adultery. Indeed, it is an outrageous act and an evil way.” (QS. Al-Isrā’ [17]: 32).
The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) further warned:
لَا يَخْلُوَنَّ أَحَدُكُمْ بِامْرَأَةٍ فَإِنَّ الشَّيْطَانَ ثَالِثُهُمَا
“No man should be alone with a woman, for Satan is the third among them.” (Sunan Ahmad)
Second, both parties should maintain mutual respect and preserve chastity so that the relationship does not drift toward actions that lead to immorality. This reflects the Islamic legal maxim:
سَدُّ الذَّرِيعَةِ
“Blocking the means that lead to harm.”
It is reinforced by another established legal principle:
دَرْءُ الْمَفَاسِدِ مُقَدَّمٌ عَلَى جَلْبِ الْمَصَالِحِ
“Preventing harm takes precedence over attaining benefit.”
Third, ta’aruf should provide an honest and open opportunity for both individuals to understand each other’s strengths and shortcomings. The purpose is not to find a flawless partner but to determine whether both are prepared to build a life together. By developing a realistic understanding of one another, each person can accept both the virtues and limitations of the other while laying the foundation for a harmonious marriage.
Ultimately, ta’aruf is an important step in preparing for married life. As the Muhammadiyah Council for Tarjih and Tajdid explains, it is a process through which a man and woman become acquainted in a natural, transparent, responsible, and Sharia-compliant manner as the first step toward marriage.
Through a process guided by proper ethics and mutual respect, Islam hopes to cultivate families characterized by sakinah (tranquility), mawaddah (deep affection), and rahmah (compassion).
Reference:
Muhammadiyah Central Board’s Council for Religious Opinion and Reform, “Etika Ta’aruf Menurut Pandangan Muhammadiyah” (The Ethics of Ta’aruf According to Muhammadiyah), Suara Muhammadiyah Magazine, 2026 Edition No. 111.
